Today will be a good day

This is something we should try and repeat to ourselves at the beginning of each day. Because, as many of us know, said day has a great chance of being an annoyingly stress-filled, busy, tiring day.

But I for one am sick of letting the stress of the world get to me. So many things have been getting me so so down lately. Too many things have been adding stress and disappointment and very much un-needed endless annoyances. And these things, in turn, keep me on edge. They make me lash out at those who actually do care about me; those who want nothing but the best for me.

So I am going to try and make the best of every day. Because, as trite as it may sound, life is way too short to live in angry or to live it letting the hard stuff bring you down into a seemingly permanent state of overwhelming stress.

Life is something we have all been so kindly gifted with. It is something that many give away very easily, something that others assume they can just take away from people. But for those of us here, with a chance at a great life of happiness, even if along the way there are things that are unpleasant - well for us, we should be taking nothing for granted.

The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. But the best thing in this world is to live.

Member when you wanted to be sick so you could miss school - member?

Yeah, as much as I'd love a sort of vaca from all the work at school currently, I cannot afford to simply take a few days off. Which is sort of unfortunate, because for the past few days I have been having symptoms of both strep throat and mono. Perhaps what I have is neither.


But I have not felt so much throat pain and dull aching throughout both ears and chills and body aches and this time around. Strangely, there is nary a fever involved in this, but it is still persistent all the same. And it really really sucks. Oh and did I mention the fatigue??? It has gotten so bad, that I can barely stay awake for more than an hour at a time unless I'm moving around. Like at work today...but then again I kept needing to sit down.


Oh and when I sat? The seat hurt my butt and thighs because I ache all over. It makes me want to cry because it is soo soo uncomfortable and does indeed hurt a lot. I will go to the doc soon I think, because it doesn't seem to be going away. And I just discovered white spots on my tonsils in addition to their being highly inflamed.

Click on the pic to look at it, and look toward the back, right of my throat. :( Well thanks for listening to my pity party.

I shall go pile more blankets on now.

I am a writer

Those four words make up a declaration that is all too true and not too much of a shock to those who know me. However I must be completely honest as I admit that lately I hadn't been feeling very much like a writer at all. At least, not the writer I've come to be.

School this semester, mixed with work, and working out has become such a stressful time-consuming act. Study, take notes, practice, homework, class, and so on...and on...and on...and on...and, well you get the point I'm sure.

So today I took out the notebook of my latest project and delved into the first chapter, which I have yet to finish. It's not that I don't want to. Believe me, I live for the day when all I have to do is write all day to make a living. No, I just haven't had the time is all. So I gave myself the chance to get back into this activity that has enhanced a talent given to me by God.

And as my pencil stroked the paper a few times, as I finished up a particularly enticing sentence I couldn't help but grin to myself. I am such a writer. The feeling of creating a string of words into a beautifully coherent melody is something that I'd almost forgotten I love so much.

Just as when I write a paper; when there is a sentence or paragraph that simply flows and is intriguing and even fun to read, I get such a feeling that is nearly indescribable. This is my second project and I hope it evolves into something great, but I am going to continue to work on getting my first book out there for the world to read.

I can't wait to finish the first chapter of this second novel of mine, and then the next and the next. And never stop writing until my hand aches.

So why are girls the better sex?

I don't feel like going into partocularly excruciating detail this evening. Let's just say that I am fed up with females. I do not understand them at all. I do not understand how they can be so moody for no apparent reason. How they can be so inconsiderate in that way.

How some even act like that to you, their good friend, but then talk to a guy and completely light up. What is that?? I have never been one to choose a guy over my friends and even now I balance things well. Likewise, I have never quite understood how those certain girls so easily think with their vaginas rather than their heads.

But I suppose the ones who don't do this, who don't make me cry and feel confused, are the ones I should appreciate the most. You can only give so much before you realize it is one-sided.

Homesick

Today I talked to my sister on the phone and it really made me miss her and the rest of my family who I sadly no longer live with. I mean she and most of my family are only like 15 minutes away, but my brother is a good half hour away. I long for the days when I could see one of any of them with the snap if my fingers. There was once a time, when I was a young teenager and stupid and irresponsible, when I didn't care as much for family; at least, I never showed it. I was a self-centered teenager. But over the past few years we have become closer than ever and right now I am missing my family. Sure being an adult is okay - living on your own in a way. But why can't I have my cake and eat it too? lol. I can't wait for the day when I can live with my soon-t0-be newest member of my family and hopefully live even closer to my fam. And hopefully that day isn't too far off. I was not joking that I proposed to Stefan that someday if I do become successful, we need to take a cue from some of those Lakeshore houses and build two homes on one property. Perfect. :) I feel kinda like I took for granted living with my sister and best friend and her amazing family that is mine too. And it would definitely make things much easier is my big brother also lived out this way. When I get these homesick feelings if sadness and longing, I miss them all and want one or all with me. I hate that I get this way, that right now I feel like crying because I am in fact homesick for all of those who don't hurt me, who never turn me away, who don't put me down, and who truly love me unconditionally.

Guess blogging is about to come in handy as I rant

So I always study hard when I know a big exam is coming up. I mean, nearly obsessively like. I'll admit that for my western civilization test I could have studied some aspects a bit more thoroughly, but still I had anticipated a grade of B on the mid-term. You know, nothing to hopeful yet still a good grade.

I even anticipated getting my test back today, all ready to see the familiar and loved 'B' on the inside cover of my booklet. Yet instead I see various red correction marks and a 'C'.

WHAT. THE. SHEESH.

Initially tears began to come - I mean, how could I not feel insanely stupid that, after studying hard, I get the most average idiotic grade? How could I not feel like such a failure and like such a moron?

Got out of class, sullen as hell, and talked to Stefan about it. I guess now, around an hour later, I am less angry and less hard on myself. I mean, as we discussed, there were many others who got my grade and even more who got lower marks.

So I guess all I can do is hope to do better on the final, and study even harder, giving myself the practice tests I should've done this time. But then there is the stressful matter of my other 2 midterms this week.

Math and Sign Language. The ASL should be easy, but still stresses me out nonetheless. I can't help but worry that, with high-ish expectations, I will screw myself over on that one as well. And the math. . .well I have allowed myself the leniance of getting a C in that class if need be. But still. . .I want to do better than that and the whole time I'll still be hoping for a B or higher.

And next week we have Sociology of the third world. Which we still don't have a study guide for yet. Ugh, at least in some of these classes there are essays and papers and presentations to help make up for poor test grades, but needless to say, this semester needs to end like now.

To say I am stressed out would be an understatement. I can honestly say that if I stop to really think about this work and tests ahead of me, I'll cry. A lot. But like I said before, I can't go through the rest of the semester like that and I know I should try to cope better. But you know, it's so hard when you know that if you stop for just one second - the work will pile up too high to climb.

Wasting Time Waiting

Today I woke up thinking. . .well not thinking about much. Except that my arm hurts from the way I slept on it or possibly from working out Thursday. Anyways, yeah I am getting pretty off topic and sharing information that this entry could probably do without. So then I did start thinking. And as I always do, I thought about the future. And how much I want. . .well I wouldn't normally admit it. . .but how much I want to be engaged already. Heh. But I should really be thinking about this present. This present with a man that I love. a man that loves me and wants me. Forever. I am so lucky that, at a young age, and of all the places and people in the world, I've been lucky enough to find someone who can stand me enough let alone want to be around me, go out of his way to be around me. But, I mean, this entry isn't about me bragging and flaunting the fact that I have a boyfriend who loves and cares about me so immensely. This is an entry about how I have realized that me waiting to be proposed to is probably a very sweet process that I should enjoy. Because after it happens, everything will be the same - I will simply have a new ring on my left hand. I mean, I will still be impossibly in love, I will still have an amazing man in my life forever, and he and I will still be talking about our wonderful future filled with success, happiness, love, children, and so much more. In short, yes I will have a ring that symbolizes a major commitment. But right now I have a verbal one that I know I can trust and count on. With everything in this world that is so hectic and crazy, I have found an out of this world love within the confines of a 2-mile-long town and it is one that I will not take for granted and it is one that I am going to cherish more and more.